


More Ways to Skin a Cat

by AnonEhouse



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Cat, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-28
Updated: 2015-04-28
Packaged: 2018-03-26 06:31:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3840616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bruce is gone, and out of guilt Tony cares for Bruce's cat while the Avengers search for him. They fear that someone has kidnapped him, but who could take him from the Tower without being detected?</p>
            </blockquote>





	More Ways to Skin a Cat

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

"Bruce wouldn't leave. Not without telling me... us," Tony insisted. "Besides, he left his cat behind. You know he wouldn't abandon a helpless animal." Tony hugged the big pale orange tabby to his chest. The cat squinted its eyes shut and purred.

"It does seem unlike Dr. Banner," Thor said.

"I never saw that cat before today," Steve commented. He looked around Bruce's bedroom, where all the Avengers had gathered after Tony gave the alarm when Bruce didn't show up for 'sciencing' and didn't respond to JARVIS paging him.

"He might have hidden it. I may..." Tony reluctantly said, "have told him 'no' a few weeks ago, when he talked about getting a pet. You know! It's not fair to an animal when we may wind up stuck in another dimension fighting bad guys for a week."

There was a silence, filled only by the accusing glances of the other Avengers as if being denied a cat had made Bruce run away. Finally Natasha said, "Tony's right. Bruce wouldn't leave like this." She pointed to the bedside table. "His cell and wallet are still there. Even if he was running, he would at least have taken his wallet." The eelskin (actually hagfish, Bruce had explained) wallet he'd picked up at a market in Cairo, had proven remarkably durable, surviving numerous transformations and battles while stuck in the Hulk's pocket. Bruce thought of it as a lucky piece.

"Yeah." Clint picked up the wallet and looked inside. "Got all his fake I.D.s and credit cards, too. If he decided to run, he might dump them later, but he'd first use them to lay false trails." Clint put the wallet back down.

"So," Steve said, "he didn't leave voluntarily. Someone took him." 

"JARVIS can't help," Tony said. "There's a gap in the security records." The public areas had constant security coverage, handled by a sub-system that functioned separately from JARVIS, but reported any anomalies to him. "According to JARVIS no one entered or left the private floors after we went to bed last night. Not by elevator, or stairs, or even through a window. And before you ask, even though the vents are too small for a normal person to access, they're monitored, too."

No one looked at Thor, but the unspoken 'who do we know who does magic and likes to play mind games on us' hung in the air. Thor cleared his throat. "I shall return to Asgard and inquire, but I am sure my brother had nothing to do with this. He is under close guard."

"Thank you, Thor," Steve said. "It doesn't hurt to eliminate even the remotest possibility."

Thor strode off.

"And if it isn't Loki, then someone has figured out a way past your security," Natasha told Tony.

Tony scowled. "JARVIS is running all the checks he can. I'm going down to the lab to check the coding manually, just in case it's something he can't see. Come on, cat."

"You're taking it with you?" Clint asked. "I thought you didn't like animals."

"Unscientific, Clint. You can't prove a negative." Tony hoisted the cat up further, and it looked over Tony's shoulder as they left the room.

"He feels guilty," Steve said.

"He'll get over it," Natasha said. "Clint and I will ask around, see if General Ross has got out of prison- or contacted anyone willing to kidnap a Hulk for him."

Steve nodded. "I've got a few stones to turn, too. Let's go."

 

"JARVIS," Tony said as he reached his lab, "find out what a cat needs, and have it all delivered." Tony put the cat down on the floor. "Stay," he told it. The cat sat there and swished its tail. "And don't get in the way, all right?"

DUM-E and U came bumbling up, 'heads' lowered to inspect the cat. Tony got in front of them. "Whoa. Guys, this is a very, very breakable, rare and valuable cat. Do not touch the cat. If you break the cat, you'll have to wear the hat of shame FOREVER."

DUM-E whooped and U chirped. Then they swiveled their heads. Tony turned to see what they were looking at and saw the cat on top of a workbench meandering around assorted sharp, potentially hot, possibly electrified, or maybe even explosive, objects. "HEY! CAT! No, no, no... huh." Tony blinked as the cat maneuvered without touching anything hazardous. "I guess Bruce trained you. Still, I want you where I can keep an eye on you. When Bruce gets back I don't want to explain how you turned into cat sushi." Tony went over to the cat and picked it up.

"JARVIS, make sure there's toys in the cat stuff. Something to keep her..." The cat twitched its tail and Tony risked a quick glance at its undercarriage. "...him occupied."

"Ok, cat." Tony deposited the cat next to his keyboard. "I'll fix you up a nice safe playpen later, but for now, just... sit. Stay." The cat lifted one paw and began washing its face. "Good. We're good." He began pulling up coding, looking for any loopholes or unauthorized changes. Damn it, he'd thought he'd fixed it after Obie and Fury and Loki all managed to get past without setting off any alarms. Maybe he should get a dog. 

Tony looked up at intervals to check on the cat. It was sleeping curled up on his desk every time he looked, so after awhile he stopped looking.

"Sir, your delivery has arrived."

"Um, yeah, whatever."

"The litter box requires manual installation."

"What? It does?" Tony wandered over to the crate DUM-E was tugging along. He started unpacking stuff at random, with the bots grabbing things and moving them around as soon as they were free. "Cat bed. Laser pointer. Mouse. Catnip. Mouse. Gourmet cat food. Feather thingie. Ball with bells. Special milk. Brush. Comb. Nail clippers. Mineral Oil? I need to oil the cat? Cat Genie? What the heck is a Cat Genie?"

"The litter box, sir. It's automatic, self-flushing, and self-cleaning. It requires hook up to a clean water inlet and to a waste outlet, and an electrical outlet. It should be easily adapted to the laboratory facilities."

"Good choice, JARVIS," Tony said after speed-reading the literature. The cat came over and sniffed around the box as he was setting it up, and also seemed to approve. Tony arranged a selection of food, water, and special cat milk dishes in a corner too small for the bots and left the rest of the stuff for later, still in the crate full of packing foam. "Ok, cat, we're good, right?" The cat ran over and lapped up water. "Fine, tank up. You know where the john is."

Cat responsibility taken care of, Tony returned to wading through the by-ways of JARVIS's psyche. When he stopped to stretch hours later he asked, "JARVIS, have the others reported back?"

"Yes, sir. They all have. The reports have been uniformly negative."

"Even Thor?"

"Yes, sir. Captain Rogers and Thor say they will be returning to the Tower tonight to discuss possible new avenues of investigation. Agents Barton and Romanov will return tomorrow after performing some unspecified 'clean-up'." 

The cat meowed. DUM-E booped. Tony turned to see what was going on. DUM-E was holding a catnip mouse just above the cat's head, jiggling it back and forth while the cat pawed at DUM-E, trying to reach the toy. "I see what you're doing there, DUM-E." Tony had to admit it was pretty sneaky figuring out that 'don't touch the cat' doesn't preclude teasing the cat into touching _me_. "Do NOT break the cat."

The cat chose that moment to leap onto DUM-E's lowered head, wrapping itself around and clinging as DUM-E beeped and whirled in circles. U had been observing and now he twirled around in anxious circles, before picking up DUM-E's favorite fire extinguisher and waving it wildly.

"NO! DO NOT!" Tony shouted, but too late. Squirted with foam, the cat hissed and ran off to hide under a cabinet. "JARVIS, tell me that's not gonna kill the cat!"

"Studies have not been carried out on felines. While the powder is generally considered safe, few humans lick themselves clean."

"Right, got it." Tony got on his belly to peer under the cabinet. The cat looked miserable, with wild eyes and flattened ears. "Aww, come on, cat. Kitty cat." Tony eased a hand under. The cat flattened itself further, but went limp when Tony got a hand on his neck and dragged it out. "Ok, JARVIS, turn the decontamination shower on." Tony clutched the trembling cat to his chest. "Put it to whatever temperature and pressure setting is least likely to freak out the cat, ok? I don't want him having a heart attack on me."

Tony stepped into the shower, fully dressed. It wasn't the first time; lab accidents will happen. The water was very warm, and flowing slowly. The cat stayed perfectly still. "You're a good cat. This won't take very long." Tony stroked shampoo carefully through the cat's fur. The cat shut its eyes and pressed its head against his chest. After a minute it began purring. "You are one mellow son of a gun. I can see why Bruce chose you."

The cat didn't appreciate the hair blower method of drying, so after Tony stripped and pulled on the spare clothes he kept in the lab he sat back down at his keyboard, with the cat on his lap wrapped up in a towel. From time to time he petted it while he expanded JARVIS's search parameters to find any hint of Bruce sightings or any unusual activity on the part of anyone who might be interested in him. That was a huge list. Lots of people could want Bruce for his brain, and plenty of others would want him for the clues his body might give them to creating another Hulk. In terms of sheer controllable, portable power, you really couldn't beat Hulk. Of course, controllable was a loose definition. Hulk only smashed what he wanted to smash, but he didn't really smash to order, no matter how cooperative he could be when fighting with the Avengers.

Tony tightened his grip on the cat's fur, thinking about ways people might try to make Bruce and Hulk cooperative. The cat mewed in protest. "Sorry, kitty." He worked his fingers soothingly into the still damp fur while he tried to figure out new ways to look for Bruce. Finally he gave up, for the moment, when his fingers began cramping from one-handed typing. He unwrapped the cat, tossed the towel aside and stood up, holding the cat to his chest. "JARVIS, I'm done for now. Keep looking, and alert me if anyone's come up with anything." He glanced down at the cat. "You'd better come with me."

Tony took the cat with him to the communal level and went into the kitchen to prepare coffee that didn't taste of DUM-E's attempts to add motor oil flavoring. He held the cat in the crook of his arm while he gathered some fruit and cheese to go with it. He ate when he was upset, but he tried to keep the snacks healthy, sort of trying to make up for having abused his body for years. As an Avenger, he needed to be in good condition. He ate a grape and a cube of cheese while waiting for the coffee to brew. The cat mewed.

"Oh, forgot to bring you anything. Do you like cheese?" Tony put a cube of cheese on a saucer and put it down on the floor. The cat neatly tucked his tail around himself and ate the cheese while making little noises that sounded a lot like 'Nom Nom Nom'. Despite himself, Tony laughed. 

 

Steve showed up while the coffee was still hot, and a few minutes later Thor arrived. They all gathered around the dining table to discuss the situation. The cat wandered around the room, sniffing at everything, and testing his claws on a leather sofa. Thor said, "I have asked Heimdall, the all-seeing, to look for our friend." He picked up a mug of coffee and spun it around in his hands. "He was unable to espy the good doctor."

"So, not quite all-seeing," Tony said. It wasn't as if he believed in gods or mystical powers anyway. So he hadn't really hoped for much from Thor's visit to Asgard.

"Indeed," Thor replied. "He cannot see below the surface of Midgard."

Steve nodded. "So, Bruce could be held in an underground facility."

"Or he could be cruising on the subway," Tony said sharply. "Or maybe he's taken up caving."

"Tony," Steve said. "We're all tired. We should rest and start again in the morning. Maybe by then whoever's taken Bruce will slip up, let something happen that we can trace."

"I am sure that he has come to no harm," Thor said. "Even if they have found some way to keep his inner self calm, they must treat him well or face Hulk's wrath."

"Which we definitely would hear about," Steve said.

"Yeah. Yeah, you're right." Tony got up. "JARVIS is going to keep looking." He headed back towards the coffee maker, but the cat ran in between his feet, almost tripping him up. "Hey, cat!"

"He probably thinks it's bedtime," Steve said.

"Fine." Tony picked up the cat. "You're all playing on my sense of guilt, which does not exist! I'm just... going to go lie down for a while, which I was going to do anyway." 

Tony went to his bedroom with the cat purring in his arms. He dumped the cat on the bed and changed into sleep pants and brushed his teeth. "I don't need to brush your teeth, do I?" The cat yawned. Tony decided his teeth were plenty white enough. He got into bed and rolled from one side to another, trying different positions until he settled on his side. The cat stomped the covers down and curled up at the small of his back, purring.

"We'll find him, don't worry, cat." Tony closed his eyes.

 

Tony woke up to a warm, heavy weight across his stomach and thighs. "Mmm." For a moment he was trying to think who he'd brought home the night before, and why he'd actually gone to _sleep_ with them, before his pre-caffeine brain kicked in and he remembered that he hadn't been catting around in years. Cat. Oh, yeah. Tony blinked his eyes open. The cat was lying on him and staring fixedly at him. It meowed and shifted its weight, bringing it to bear on Tony's bladder. Tony winced. 'Ok, I got it." He shifted cautiously, and the cat got off him, but continued to look at him.

"Nag, nag, nag." Tony got up and stumbled through hasty ablutions before taking the cat down to the workshop and refilling its food and water dishes while the cat attended to its own sanitary needs. The bots were still 'sleeping' so he decided to leave the cat there while he went back and threw on a sweatshirt and changed his sleep pants for jeans, made more coffee, and tried to think of a new angle on the Bruce-hunt. Maybe they should hire a detective. Put out a missing persons report. Mild-mannered physicist, with a large green alter-ego. Yeah, no. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee.

It was either very late, or very early. Cat was apparently not set on standard time. "JARVIS, where is everyone?" Tony yawned and leaned against the counter, listening to the soothing music of the coffee being made. "Any news on Bruce?"

"Thor and Captain Rogers are in their respective quarters. Agents Barton and Romanov are in an unspecified SHIELD safe house. There has been no significant change in Dr. Banner's status since last report."

"Great. I knew I should have given him a sub dermal tracker. It would have probably worked even if he Hulked out. Probably." Coffee and danish in hand (eating healthy is too much trouble sometimes) Tony returned to his lab, where the cat had found a packet of catnip, shredded it and was rolling on the floor, covered in specks of green. "Don't OD," Tony muttered, and sat down to look at the latest results from JARVIS. There's a difference between 'significant' and 'nothing'. He studied a series of data points gathered from Steve, Clint and Natasha which seemed to confirm that the military wasn't behind Bruce's disappearance. At least not the US military. At least not the _official_ US military.

He was looking through traffic camera records around the Tower, on the faint hope that would tell him something, when JARVIS reported, "SIR! You have an incoming call on your private line."

That was strange. Only the Avengers, Pepper and Rhodey had that number, and JARVIS would have said which of them it was. "Put it through." Tony waved the holodata off. "Do you have a visual?"

"Yes, sir."

Tony looked at the man who appeared in the new holo. Ordinary looking. Brown hair, overlong, strong features. Something familiar about the smirk he gave Tony. "Do I know you?" Tony asked.

"No, but I know you. My dad was always after me to be like you. Be smarter, be faster, be sharper. Build me better guns. Tony Stark did this when he was _four_."

Tony blinked. "What the hell are you talking about?"

The man grabbed his hair and pulled it back, sweeping it off his forehead. "This ring any bells? People say I look like dad. I'm Ezekiel Stane."

Tony looked into the man's cold blue eyes and recognized them. "No. Stane didn't have any children."

The man released his hair. "I was a well-kept secret. You know, back in the day, being a bastard was fine, but acknowledging a bastard might mess up a man's career. He paid mom enough to keep her mouth shut, and visited every once in a while. Once I started being productive, he showed up more often." He grinned at Tony. "Yeah, I was making bio-weapons since I was nine."

"That's nice," Tony said. He was wondering if he should alert the Avengers. So far, this man hadn't done anything more than tell a wild tale. "So, why are you calling me? I'm not in that line of work any more, if you're looking for business. And if you're looking for revenge for your old man, well, hell, you know where I live, why not come here and try me?"

Stane laughed. "Yeah, that'd be a genius move. Knock on the door of Avengers' Tower and go a few rounds with all your super-buddies. No, I have a better idea. I make bio-weapons. You remember that part, right?"

"Yeah." Tony didn't like the way this was going.

"What's the biggest, best and, dare I say it, greenest bio-weapon around? Yeah, Tony boy, I picked up one of your toys that you carelessly left unguarded. He hasn't been all that cooperative, but I've figured out a way to extract what makes him go. The process is too technical to describe to an _engineer_ but maybe you could imagine something like a frog in a blender?"

Tony's hands clenched hard on the desktop. "You can't do that."

"Sure I can. But then I thought, you know, after I get the juice, it's still going to be years of development before the end result is marketable. I've been deferring gratification all my life and I'm tired of it. Now, having _you_ in my hands.... that would give me immediate satisfaction. You killed my dad."

Tony didn't bother to correct him. Pepper had pulled the switch, but it was on Tony's order. And he sure didn't want this lunatic going after her. "You're crazy if you think I'm going to hand myself over to you."

"I'd give you a sporting chance. Mano a mano. No Iron suits, no guns, no fancy gadgets on either side. Just two men. Hell, I'll even strip naked to meet you. Can't be fairer than that."

"What's to stop me bringing my 'super-buddies' along?"

"I'll be watching. I've got eyes and ears everywhere. You just hop in one of your shiny cars and drive. I'll give you directions on the way. Tell anyone, go one step out of the way, and I'll turn on the blender and settle for a nice green smoothie."

"How do I know you haven't already killed Bruce?"

"You don't." Stane grinned. "See you, Tony." The holo blanked.

"The connection has been discontinued," JARVIS announced unnecessarily.

"Yeah." Tony got up and headed for the garage area of the lab. "Keep an eye on things, JARVIS. Track me. If I'm not back within two hours, replay that conversation and my last location to the Avengers."

"Sir, would it not be more prudent..."

Tony interrupted JARVIS. "Absolutely. It would be. But I can't take the chance." He got into the convertible Audi. If Stane was spying, let him see that Tony wasn't scared of him. He was so angry his jaw muscles hurt from clenching. "Damn it, I finally get a decent lab partner and some bastard steals him." He drove into the cargo elevator and on the way down tried to remember everything Captain America and Black Widow had taught him. If Stane was built like his father, he'd be tall and heavy, but like a lot of big guys probably depended on his natural muscle, and hadn't actually trained. Tony was a lean, mean, fighting machine. There were advantages to being compact.

Once he was on the street, his phone rang. "Pick up," Tony said, voice-activating it.

"Nice car," Stane said, before giving Tony about ten minutes worth of directions, counting on city traffic. "I'll call back. Got a greenie on the simmer, hate to leave him alone too long." The connection disconnected with a click.

Tony tightened his grip on the steering wheel. He told himself, "he couldn't hurt Bruce. At the worst, he's using tranquilizers."

"Meow?"

"Shit! Damnit, cat." Tony glanced in the back seat. The cat was lying upside down, sprinkles of catnip in its belly fur, blinking up at him lazily. "Can't stop now." He turned his attention back on the road. After an hour of being shunted back and forth, seemingly at random, Tony pulled up in front of an abandoned warehouse. He parked the car and got out, taking off his sunglasses and tossing them on the dash. "Well, now, this doesn't look like a trap, at all. Does it?" He considered putting up the top to keep the cat from running away, but figured it would be better if it wasn't trapped. Just... in case he didn't get back right away.

"Ok, Stane. Is this it? Are we through playing Hide and Seek?" 

The warehouse door opened, and a man stepped out. He was big and well built, but on the blocky, ill-defined side. He was also totally naked. "Yeah. Now we can get down to business." 

Tony rolled his eyes and pulled off his shirt, tossing it in the general direction of the car. "You know, this is a stupid thing for two supposedly smart men to do."

"Yes, it is. But it will be so satisfying to take the great Iron Man down a few pegs before I finish him."

"Uh huh." Tony took off his shoes and socks, noting the unbalanced way Stane stood, with his hands hanging loose at his sides and his legs spread in what an amateur would imagine was a strong stance, but in reality merely limited his options for reacting to anything other than a straight on attack. Tony stretched and loosened up his arms before quickly pulling off his trousers. "Ok, here we are." Tony moved towards Stane. "So, why don't you let Bruce go now?"

Stane's smirk grew. "I can't. I never had him. I just... eavesdropped. Your communications system really isn't that secure."

Tony stood perfectly still for a moment, getting his anger under control. Steve had tried really hard to train the 'I have a plan, attack!' out of him, with mixed results.

Stane threw his head back and laughed. "I wouldn't want him, anyway. He's a failure; a failure as a scientist, and an experiment. Nothing but a huge, _sloppy_ mistake."

Tony took the chance and ran at Stane, punching one-two into that temptingly upturned chin, followed by a knee between the conveniently widespread legs, and an elbow to the diaphragm, all in swift succession, before he leaped away from Stane's convulsing body. "JARVIS! Send the..." But before he could finish Stane was climbing back to his feet, smirking even wider. He wiped a streak of blood from his mouth. 

"Not bad. So that's what Tony Stark can do without a suit. Let me show you what I can do."

Tony didn't like the sound of that at all. He also didn't like the way Stane's fingers glowed. It wasn't Extremis, but the similarity was enough to make Tony dive for cover behind the Audi. There was a blinding flash, and _crumph_ sound as the whole car moved several feet back. Tony scrambled to keep from being crushed.

"While you were toying with tin soldiers, I was upgrading _myself_ ," Stane shouted.

"What, you're the Energizer Bunny now?" Tony rounded the corner of what was left of the Audi. "You'll burn yourself out. The human body's not meant to handle that. Give yourself up, and I'll work on a cure for you."

"Cure? I'm perfect!" Another blast lifted the car into the air a few feet. Tony caught a glimpse of the cat, clinging to the upholstery, fur all fluffed up so it looked twice the size. That made him even angrier.

"Sure, sure you are."

"I am! I upgraded my hypothalamus! My body's caloric energy consumption has been reduced from 70% to 9%! I can utilize the surplus for self-repair, or for repulsor blasts!"

"You're crazy! All I have to do is keep away from you and you'll run out of juice." Tony dodged around the remaining crumpled bit of car as Stane fired again. He couldn't see the cat. He hoped it had got away. Stane fired again, and Tony found himself lying flat on his back, with bits of Audi settling to the ground noisily. 

"Well, your brilliant plan didn't work. Let's see how mine does." Stane strode up to Tony, fingers glowing. Tony stared past him at the heap of Audi, unwilling to give Stane the pleasure of seeing him flinch. 

Then Tony smiled. "Let's see." The twisted metal shook and rose in a mound, roaring. Well, the metal didn't roar. But the enormous green feline that had been under it roared. It leaped at Stane, who turned and fired a blast right in its face. The cat, something like a gigantic lion, something along the lines of the prehistoric American Lion weighing in at roughly 1,000 pounds, roared again, and used both front paws to smack Stane back and forth, the same way he'd played with a catnip mouse when he was a small orange cat. Then he chewed on Stane.

"Drop it!" Tony shouted when he realized the energy in Stane's broken body was overloading. He was mildly surprised when the lion obeyed, and more surprised when it picked him up in its mouth and ran. "OW," Tony yelled. The teeth weren't digging in, but it was still very uncomfortable. A moment later there was a huge blast behind them, making the lion stumble. "Let me go!" Tony squirmed. 

The lion opened its mouth. Tony fell to the pavement. "Ow," he said again. He got up and looked around. "Ok, that... that was noisy. Any minute now we're going to be surrounded by trigger-happy officers of the law, and things could get really ugly." He patted the lion. "You're Bruce, somewhere in there, aren't you? What the hell did you do? Never mind. If you could think properly, you would have told me when you were the little guy. So... how about... I don't know, we have to get back to the Tower, fast. Can you shrink down? Kitty, kitty?"

The lion lay down and yawned. But it didn't change shape.

"Great. Um... plan B. I remember seeing pretty girls riding on Hercules, the liger. I'm not a pretty girl, but then, you're a lot bigger than Hercules." Gingerly Tony approached the lion. "Don't eat me. Bruce would be sad and guilty forever." The lion licked its nose and seemed calm. Tony climbed onto its broad back. "I wish you had a mane. Why don't you have a mane?" 

The lion stood up, and started walking. After a few steps it increased the pace. Tony tightened his legs around the massive chest and leaned forward to lie down and put his arms around as much of the neck as possible. "The Tower. Let's go to the Tower, Bruce." The lion made a deep noise, not quite a growl. Tony felt the muscles tense, and then suddenly it was running. "Yeeeeow." It wasn't as fast as the suit, but the sense of power was even more visceral. Tony found himself grinning against the lion's neck.

They outran the sound of sirens, and then the lion stopped abruptly in an alley. Tony fell off. "What?" He looked up as the lion shrank back into an orange tabby and minced through the debris. Tony stood up and wrapped a piece of newspaper around himself. "Ok, what do we do now?"

 

"Do you know," Tony said once he was back at the Tower with the cat, and the other Avengers gathered around, "you can't find a public telephone anymore? I had to borrow a barely functional cell from a guy going through a dumpster."

"Couldn't you have borrowed a pair of pants from him?" Clint asked. Tony hadn't bothered getting dressed once Clint (the only one currently with a legal driving license) had picked him and the Bruce-cat up from the alley.

"No," Tony said absently, while reading holo notes in Bruce's lab and petting the cat, which was lying on the desk, sleeping again. "Really. No. I think I got hives just from touching the cellphone." Tony didn't glance up. "I can feel the waves of disapproval from here, Steve. I gave the guy a code number to get him unlimited help from the Maria Stark Foundation. His choice what he does with it." 

"Can you bring back our comrade?" Thor asked. 

"Or do we learn to work with Hulkitty?" Natasha said. There was a moment of silence. "It was a joke."

"Eureka!"

"You have found it?" Thor said.

"Yes. Bruce was trying to get rid of Hulk." Tony shook his head. "He wound up just changing the transformation from man to Hulk, to cat to Cat-Hulk. Biology is tricky."

"Can you reverse it?" Steve asked.

"Should do. Bruce made up an antidote." Tony went over to the lab safe, and let it take a retina scan. It opened, and he took out a case containing a hypodermic filled with a glowing pink fluid. "Of course, this might not work the way he expected, either. It's not my field, so I can't be sure."

"It might kill him?" Clint asked.

"Or turn him into something worse?" Natasha asked.

"Yeah." Tony took out the hypo. There was a piece of paper under it. Tony took a sharp breath. "This is Bruce's advance care directive. He names me as his medical proxy. It's my decision."

"He must trust you a great deal," Thor said.

Tony stared down at the hypo. "And I trust him." He picked up the cat. "I'm going to do it in the Hulk Out room."

 

"Ow," Bruce said. "What?" He looked around. He was lying on his back. "Tony. We're in the Hulk Out room."

"Yep," Tony said. He leaned down to offer Bruce a hand up. 

Bruce took it and got up. He looked around some more. "Tony, we're both naked."

"Yep," Tony said.

"You didn't."

"No, of course not." Tony flung an arm around Bruce's shoulders and started walking them towards the exit. "I wouldn't take advantage of you."

Bruce narrowed his eyes. "What happened?"

Tony held up the box with the hypodermic.

"Oh. It didn't work. I still turned into the other guy. Did I..." Bruce stopped and pulled Tony to a halt. "Did I hurt anyone?"

"Nah, you were a real pussycat. Well, there was this one guy, but since he killed my Audi and was about to kill me, you were perfectly justified in smacking him around." Tony tugged at Bruce's arm. "Let's get dressed and have something to eat and I'll give you the whole story."

"Yeah, all right." 

"Oh, and if you still want a cat, I changed my mind. They do make great pets." Tony ruffled Bruce's hair.

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this prompt [here](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/15292.html?thread=32489660#t32489660)
> 
> Also:  
> http://www.catgenie.com
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cl5Pfc5TyO0 (nom nom nom cat)
> 
> I took Ezekiel Stane from the Marvel comics wiki, and didn't worry too much about canonicity.


End file.
